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Informed by Science and Reason.

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Comforting

Comforting others and ourselves is an important building block to self-worth. Sometimes it feels like what we need most.

  • “When you’re weary, feelin’ small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.” [Paul Simon, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”]
  • “When you’re down and troubled / And you need a helping hand, / And nothing, nothing is going right, / Close your eyes and think of me / And soon I will be there, / To brighten up even your darkest night.” [James Taylor, “You’ve Got a Friend”]

When we are upset, we may not function well, not to mention that emotional upset is unpleasant, even terrifying. Emotional upset disrupts eating, learning, working, social functioning, and a wide array of essential life functions. (See the Technical and Analytical Readings section below for the technical literature supporting these and the following statements.)

Receiving emotional comfort tells us that others care about us, and thereby reinforces a message that we should feel good about ourselves. A simple physical touch, a bit of listening, and a little companionship can calm and reassure.

Doctors and nurses routinely employ comforting behaviors and strategies with their patients. Non-human animals are well-known sources of comfort, as are music and visual images. The human response to comforting appears to be innate, as comforting behaviors are effective with newborn babies. The mere remembrance of a deceased loved one can provide comfort to the bereaved. Self-comforting strategies are also important.

Comforting and self-comforting are especially important in times of illness, bereavement and long, dark winters. However, comfort-seeking can have deleterious effects, for example, in addictions.

Comforting and self-comforting are impaired by anxiety and depression. Anxiety in a mother interferes with a baby’s ability to self-comfort. In fact, parents’ reactions and responses to children’s expressed emotions have been shown to affect comforting and other behaviors in children.

We have a substantial body of professional and scientific literature on the effects of comforting. However, people were comforting themselves and others long before psychology became a recognized discipline. One person’s sense of what would comfort him enables him to comfort someone else. However, caution is advised: a word or gesture meant to comfort another person may have the opposite effect. Being around someone who is suffering is unpleasant, so we may seek to end our own suffering, insensitive to the suffering of the other. Through understanding, empathy and wisdom – all subjects that we will explore in this book – we can put aside our egos and truly comfort others.

Real

Technical and Analytical Readings

By consensus, psychologists recognize eating disorders as a form of mental illness, listing them in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

Emotional dysfunction and learning:

Emotional dysfunction and work:

Emotional dysfunction and social functioning:

Depression:

Anxiety:

Touch-based interventions, and the importance of touch:

The therapeutic value of listening:

The importance of companionship:

Doctors comforting patients:

Nurses comforting patients:

The role of non-human animals in comforting people:

Music therapy:

Use of painting and photographs in comforting:

Comforting infants:

Comforting the bereaved:

Self-comforting:

Comforting the ill and their loved ones:

Comforting during life’s long, dark winters:

Comforting and addictions:

Anxiety and depression in the caregiver:

Difficulties in encountering others’ suffering:

 

 

Imaginary

Visual Arts

Music: songs and other short pieces

Fictional Narratives

Novels:

Open these links for lists of children’s books meant to comfort children.

 

From the dark side:

In Kafka’s The Metamorphosis (1915), a member of the family and household has been transformed into a giant insect. While he lived, family members stated openly that they wished he would go away. When he dies, the family is relieved, for themselves.

"Dead?" said Mrs. Samsa, looking questioningly at the cleaning woman, although she could have investigated for herself, indeed the fact was obvious enough without investigation. "I should say so," said the cleaning woman, and to prove it she pushed Gregor's corpse a long way to one side with her broomstick; Mrs. Samsa made a movement as if to stop her, but checked herself. "Well," said Mr. Samsa, "now thanks be to God." He crossed himself, and the three women followed his example.

[Kafka, The Metamorphosis (1915), Part III.]

Music: Composers, artists, and major works

Mississippi John Hurt, exponent of comfort blues

Djelimady Tounkara, with his playlists.

Compositions:

Albums:

 

Poetry

I would in that sweet bosom be
(O sweet it is and fair it is!)
Where no rude wind might visit me.
Because of sad austerities
I would in that sweet bosom be.

I would be ever in that heart
(O soft I knock and soft entreat her!)
Where only peace might be my part.
Austerities were all the sweeter
So I were ever in that heart.

[James Joyce, “I Would in That Sweet Bosom Be”]

Other poems: